Bad Girl
by sashik
Summary: Hermione changes over the summer (or so she wishes) and chaos and randomness insues. Self-mocking.
1. the Cue guy

**Ah. The Wonders Never Seize. **

Summary: Hermione changed over the summer. Or so she wishes.

A/N: Ok, people, this is PLOT-LESS RAMBLE, WHICH RIDICULES ITSELF, so don't leave me angry reviews telling me that people like me piss you off. I warned you. Well, not really plot-less, as it has a plot, even if it's fucked up.

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"Honestly, Hermione, are you sure that's school appropriate?" Mrs. Granger asked worryingly.

"Mom, this school doesn't allow pens, how much more fucked up can it get?" Hermione replied, rolling her eyes, and Mrs. Granger, obviously ignoring the uncharacteristic reply for the sake of plot advancement, smiled and gave her only daughter one last hug before the latter got on Hogwarts Express for her last year at Hogwarts. Yes, muggles now could get onto Platform 9 3/4 . The wonders never seize.

Yes, it was Hermione's last year. She of course, has been made Head Girl this year (Oh the surprise!! And of course, all those 'extra-tutoring sessions' with most of her teachers had nothing to do with it.), but disappointed with her smart ass image, she decided to change. And oh my, she changed, changed to the point where she could change no more!! She dyed her hair black with blue highlights, worked out and dieted to become super-thin (read: eating disorder) and still kept her curvy figure (read: implants). She decided that her new image would have to be bad-ass, and mad-ass she dressed. Her now bony figure was clad in a tight black blouse (without a bra, I might add, as those implants required no support), an even tighter mini-skirt, knee-high high-heel suede boots and fishnets. As you might have already figured, bad-ass image is most likely accompanied by that of a slut – or so Hermione saw it, so she also put on so much make-up to surpass that of the whores in the red-light district of Amsterdam (which is basically all of it) which they saw while they were on holiday there. The new image particularly annoyed Mrs. Granger.

"Sweetie, are you sure this is… you?"

"Mother, of course… How else would we be able to advance, or have any kind of plot? Speaking of which…" Hermione trailed off as she started getting on the train. But of course, she was unaccustomed to wearing high-heels, so she tripped into the hands of a handsome stranger, who just happened to stand by the train entrance. He sure was dashing, with bottom-less blue eyes and gorgeous black hair that hid his eyes as if by magic. His muscles were straining to get out of his black sweater, which hugged his body just right. Although he did not look very smart, due to the fact that he forgot to put on some pants in the morning and was now standing on the platform in white boxers with little puppies on them, he was actually quite an intellectual. The stranger slowly lowered her to the ground, and smiled at her sweetly, without letting go. However, Hermione quickly recovered herself and with a glare in the man's direction (who quickly let go, shrugged and quickly disappeared), turned to her mother.

"Well, mother, enough with the set-up, I have to go! The Head Boy and Girl are supposed to be meet with the prefects early on. Buh-bye now."

"My darling! I have to tell you one last thing! …Two of them, actually. You won't be seeing me or your dad when you come back from Hogwarts, we are going to an extensive sex tour to Russia and then maybe drop by Thailand."

"Without me!?" screamed Hermione indignantly, ready to throw a tantrum.

"Well, sweetie, you went to the one to Amsterdam without us last year! So quit bitching, there's also a second thing I have to tell you."

"But I wanna go to Russia!!"

"Oh will you shut the hell up, I have a plot twist to deliver."

"Sorry, mommy."

"That's better. Ok, you see, dear daughter, all this time you thought we were muggles. But you were wrong, we are wizards too!! And pureblood also!! Haha! Gotcha good, sucker! Bet you weren't expecting that at all!!" Mrs. Granger gloated while rolling around on the ground laughing.

Hermione stood calmly, looking down at her mother condescendingly.

"Umm, mother? I knew that already."

Mrs. Granger stopped laughing, got up from the ground and with a frown asked, "Oh. How?"

"Well, you know, when you are practicing such a dramatic speech, you shouldn't do it so loud that everyone in the house and nearby regions could hear you. Plus, the Sorting Hat told me when it was sorting me. And I just kept that fact secret for years. Because that would be more convenient. Plus, that would burst J.K. Rowling's anti-racism bubble."

"And of course, we wouldn't want that." Realization dawned upon Mrs. Granger.

Hermione raised one eyebrow. "No, mother. Of course not."

Someone at the back of the platform whistled and yelled "Looking good, Hermione!" Hermione shook her head (though very pleased with herself – her slutty goal in life has been reached) then game her mother one last hug before getting up on her suitcases so she looked over the crowd. There, she began her speech.

"Hello, fellow people! I would just like to make an announcement, because you all know how loved and special I am, so everyone would like to listen to me." Everyone in the crowd stopped and turned to her.

"You have all known me as the smart-ass Hermione from my first year here. But now it's all going to change. From now on, I'm gonna be bad-ass! (To put it bluntly). I'm gonna rule the fucking school until every male wants me and every female is jealous. Cause Hermione's back and she's GOTHIC!" Then she raised her hands to the sky, awaiting applause. The crowd gaped at her with open mouths, but no one made a sound.

She signed and noted, "But of course, I can still help you with homework." The crowd signed with relief, and the guy behind her raised a giant cardboard sign that said 'Applause' on it, and soon, the crowd was delivering an earth-shattering applause. Some people were even crying, 'cause Hermione's speech was so damn touching. Colin Creevy was rolling around on the asphalt, wailing "She touched my heart!!"

Hermione did a majestically condescending wave and smiled sweetly. "And pass it on to your little friends!!" The cue guy behind her changed the 'Applause' sign to 'Chant' and soon the crowd was chanting Hermione's name over and over again. Hermione, inspired by the crowd, smiled adoringly, when she saw her mother coming back from the car, holding some pink bag. Hermione froze in terror, but she realized she was too late to stop her mother now, because the next thing she heard was her mother's voice, loud and clear above the crowd's.

"Sweetie, you forgot your Barbies!"

The crowd immediately stopped chanting and stared at Hermione. The guy behind Hermione quickly switched the sign to 'Ridicule'. The crowd assumed a Simpsons-esque shape and shouts of "Ha! Ha!" came from all sides.

Hermione let out a frustrated yelp, that might have concealed several profanities and retreated to the depths of the train, though not before snatching the Barbies out of the mother's hands. The baggage and the cue guy magically followed.

TBC

* * *

A/N: And yes, I know that Gothic is a time period rather then lifestyle/style/etc, but Hermione's not supposed to be really Goth, so she doesn't know that.


	2. Hit Me Baby One More Time

Bad Girl II

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Harry Potter. Any references to Jason Isaacs that you recognize were intentional and i don't own any of that content either. Same for previous chapters.

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Hermione was sitting in an empty compartment, playing with her Barbies.

"Now, Ken, I know you and Barbie broke up, because she cheated on you with that bitch, Midge, but you must try to get back with her, you understand? Kelly can't grow up without a father." She mused while putting Barbie and Ken in naughty poses.

Suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly, because we couldn't really expect Hermione's friends not to go looking for her) the compartment door opened, and Harry, Ginny and Ron were standing at the entrance.

"Hermione, what the bloody hell happened to you?!"

For Hermione, realizing that her bad-ass Goth look would not work after her public humiliation, went for a new image: slutty schoolgirl. Her outfit was complete with a short pleated plaid skirt, a white tight blouse (again, without a bra – revealing much more then the previous one), knee socks and white sneakers. Her hair was also back to brown, now complete with blonde highlights and it was put into two braids on the top of her head with two puffy things at the ends.

"What are you talking about? It's not like your outfits are any less strange and out of character!" She exclaimed loudly.

And she was right – the author, bored and twisted minded put Ginny in the stereotypical cowboy slut outfit (crocheted halter top – you now, the one with giant holes in them; a denim skirt which might have been mistaken for a belt; and cowboy hat and boots. Oh and she had gum) and both Harry and Ron seemed to discover their inner gay pimp over the summer and were dressed in latex pants and t-shirts of different colors that pronounced 'I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is!'. They were holding hands and glancing at each other quite adoringly.

"We weren't talking about that – I actually quite like your outfit, we were just concerned because we heard voices coming from here earlier." Noted Ginny as she lazily blew a giant bubble from her mouth.

"Oh, well..." stammered Hermione as she quickly transfigured her dolls into books – because conveniently enough none of the new arrivals noticed anything yet. "I was just practicing some spells! See?" she said as she got out her wand.

She mumbled something incoherent, and flicked her wand. Suddenly, the compartment was filled with sweet music of Britney Spears' _Hit Me Baby One More Time_. Harry and the Weasleys glanced at Hermione incredulously as she did a couple of dance moves, but noting their glanced, stopped herself and the music.

Harry and Ron sat down, but Ron somehow ended up in Harry's lap, and was now giving him a subtle lap dance. Ginny sat down next to them, across from Hermione and was still glancing at her worryingly.

"So is there anything I should know about... them?" Hermione took a stab at breaking the silence.

"No, nothing at all, m'dear!" Ginny noted as she resumed chewing her gum. "But what is this rumor I hear about you going Goth?"

"Oh that's just silly! Why would I do something so out of character?!" said Hermione indignantly (because she decided not to mention the Goth fiasco to anyone any time soon), glancing down at her outfit and then making sure the door was closed. "Do you seriously believe everything you hear?" She turned to Harry and Ron for support, but they were a little bit busy, turned back to Ginny, blushing.

"Well, I've heard accounts of 413 people, the author, and picture proof too, but if you say so..."

"Well, that settles that!"

Hermione would have rambled on further, but she was interrupted by the compartment door sliding open once again. This time, in sight, stood Draco Malfoy, dressed in a sequined frock, with his hair shoulder-length and untamed beautifully.

Hermione looked around, searching for signs of surprise from her mates, but Ginny seemed indifferent, and Harry and Ron were still too pre-occupied to notice anything.

"Malfoy! What the hell?"

"What, Granger? You don't like it? Father recommended it..."

"Malfoy! It's a bloody dress!"

"This isn't a dress, it's a sequined sensation! And actually, as pleasant as this exchange has been, I've come for Potter. Oy, Potter, outside **now**, you dirty slut!"

Harry, awoken from his orgasmic session with Ron, snapped up as if by magic, and followed Draco outside, who didn't bother closing the door behind them. Ron took no notice of Harry disappearing and just sat quietly in the corner, rocking back and forth, chanting "my preciousss". Hermione, the only one who has read _Lord of the Rings_, threw worrying glances at him, but decided she didn't really care and started listening to the exchange outside.

"Why haven't you called?" implored Draco shrilly.

"Because you don't have a fucking phone in your manor, and your dad would kill you" answered Harry calmly.

"No he wouldn't! Remember, last time you were visiting, he walked in on us doing naughty stuff. And he didn't kill us, he joined us! And what the hell were you doing with the Weasel in there".

Harry mumbled something that Hermione couldn't hear, but whatever it was, it was followed by a slapping sound. "Just remember, Potter. You'll always be **my** bitch."

Hermione glanced at Harry incredulously as he retuned, but said nothing. Harry, in turn, mentioned nothing, and just sad back down next to Ron and started scratching him behind his ear. Ron stopped chanting and crawled up in Harry's lap, purring.

Suddenly, the handsome stranger and who's arms Hermione fell before on the platform, strode menacingly in the compartment (he was now showing off a nice pair of leather pants which were tight enough for Hermione to be able to tell that this time, he was wearing nothing underneath – well, it could have been a thong, but she didn't wanna go there).

In any case, the stranger swooped down on Hermione, grabbing her in fiery kiss. She was momentarily stunned, her eyes glazed over and her little toe twitching (well, no one could see that, but the author just felt that it was important to point it out to the readers). The stranger unlocked his mouth from hers and slapped her lightly across her face. He then strode out of the compartment as fast as he appeared, this time humming _I've Got You Under My Skin_. Hermione, now more confused then ever, just sat there with her mouth open.

At that moment, Parvati stormed in and grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out of the compartment.

TBC


	3. SlutsRUs

**Bad Girl III**

**A/N**: don't own anything you recognize.

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Hermione was dragged through the whole train, to the compartment that happened to be the very last. She was so damn confused about the whole thing, that she didn't even bother to ask where Parvati was taking her.

In the compartment, the walls of which happened to be very pink and sparkly, sad Padma, Lavender and Fleur (never mind that by that time, she'd be around 20, graduated from school and already be working somewhere... not to mention that technically, she should have been in France). They all happened to be in their pajamas... Hermione's clothes were also magically swapped for a pair that matched the compartment walls.

"Lyke, ohmigosh, Hermy, welcome to I-Dressed-as-a-Catholic-Schoolgirl-Slut society!" greated her Padma.

"Lyke, we are lyke, the people who dressed as lyke a slutty schoolgirl! And we are lyke, so unoriginal with titles!" squealed Lavender.

"And lyke, as soon as someone dresses that way, they are lyke, joined!" added Fleur.

"But we lyke have to initiate you first!" finished Parvati. Then they all smiled toothily and looked at Hermione, as if expecting her to say something.

"But lyke... I mean, what if I don't want to be a part of this?" slowly she uttered, as she started looking for the exit from this compartment of Doom (she wasn't very fond of the pink...) but the exit sealed itself.

Fleur laughed. "Oh Hermy. So innocent. What can you lyke tell me about Slytherin?"

"Well, he founded Hog---"Started Hermione, happy at the chance to talk about... well, about anything, but she was interrupted. By Lavender.

"Wrong information to start with. We knew all of that already. Tell me something I couldn't learn in _Hogwarts, A History_"

"Well, he was known for his fetishes and a huge libido... He got reincarnated a couple of times, and his most famous reincarnate was Marquis de Sade. But how is that relevant?" said Hermione so happy to talk about something she learned in books, that she started up and down a little bit.

"Well, as a co-founder of Hogwarts, he had quite a fetish for schoolgirls – you know, because they had LOTS of those a long long time ago when Hogwarts was founded. In any case, any Hogwarts student, male or female, who dresses as such, is magically bound to pleasure the current Slytherin House Head at least once a year until graduation" giggled Padma happily.

"Then why the hell is she here?" said Hermione, pointing at Fleur, ever so happy at pleasing Snape. In her own, bitter cynical way.

"Cause the author felt that I have the most slutty outlook on life out of all of you, therefore, my presence here is essential."

"Hmm. So we all have to screw Snape?! What kind of an implausible plot line is this? Speculated Hermione outloud.

"Yeah, well, bear with it." Rumbled an omniscient voice from above. "Plus, maybe the head of Slytherin isn't Snape anymore, you don't know!! Uh-oh. Did I just spoil it for people? Better change it back."

The girls giggled again, and Padma muttered while smiling happily: "Why else do you think Snape's not getting the DADA job? As the head of Slytherin, he has to keep his Potions position or else resign to teach anything else. Dumbledore knows that, and never gives Snape the DADA position. Though THAT has it's own benefits too. But we'll talk about that in later chap---.... I mean, at a later time." The girls giggled again and started pillow fighting.

"Oh great. What a convinient way for me to shag Snape." Thought Hermione outloud. "**And **I'm stuck in some pink and sparkly society with superslutty girls who don't know anything and make a mockery of the English language"

The chatter and the insane giggles around her stopped, as the girls dropped their pillows and turned to glare at Hermione.

"I'm French, I have a right to mock English. So piss off." Said Fleur loudly and clearly, and with a flick of her wand, the compartment was back to it's normal glum appearance. The clothes on the girls changed too, to their normal Hogwarts robes. "And we were just trying out this new Sluts-R-Us-Party-In-a-Box from the Weasley Brothers. We are not all sluts and giggles you know!" and with a satisfied smirk, the girls opened their books on analytical psychology, and started an in-depth discussion, ignoring Hermione. She, on the other hand, confused about the conversation, turned, and seeing the exit door finally there, ran out of the compartment. Behind her, an omniscient voice was rumbling again: "Before you do it, you must go through it... Or else I blew it!... No, wait, that's not it. Oh yes, go through with your Sluts-R-Us duty, or bad stuff will happen."

Hermione, shaking her head at the silly omniscient voice, and started wandering back to her own compartment. As she passed Draco's compartment, she saw him and the mysterious stranger dude making out. By some mysterious plot hole, there was a stereo next to them and it was emitting upbeat pop music with deep vocalizations.

Hermione figured "what the hell, it can't get any more strange" and stormed in the compartment, satisfied with the looks of surprise she got from the boys within.

TBC


End file.
